Realization of Many

WARNING!!! : For those who know how I am this may be nothing new to you. For new readers do not have the first idea this may be about you, but if you do feel targeted even though I am speaking of a general public maybe you should grow up. So please try to take no offense as these are my own personal experiences as well as my thoughts.


So I have kept a lot of anger within myself for the better of the people who surround me on a daily basis, but with recent events I feel I should not bottle these feelings anymore as it my cause a major mental meltdown for myself in the future.

First topic I would like to talk about which there is no particular order is the fact in which some say I may care way too much. It is difficult for me to avoid this taking a leadership role within my group. I am the person who plans out the events with that I have to invite people, have good time management figure out what the group wants to do as a whole. When the even happens I get these last minute calls for time, transportation, anything after, when the event will be done, a lot of questions that should have been answered before the event and also last minute bailing for reasons which most are not good enough to be even called excuses. Back to the topic I do a lot I take care of my friends, I put them 1st before myself always, figuring out what they want to do not what I want to do, making sure they enjoy themselves before I even have a chance to grin.
So leading to something which caught me off guard. Being called "SELFISH" hmm selfish really me selfish. There are some people who see my generosity and say that I care too much and sometimes I should think of myself but with normal behavior it has become to difficult to have that mindset which confuses me on so many levels being called "SELFISH". Hearing that or reading that wanted to make me think of myself before others but as I mentioned it just is not in my nature to do so. There are others in which I know are more relevant to the word selfish than myslef and with the burden that's put upon myself I would think people once in awhile can lighten the load for me but so far none. So with my nature I made a compromise to myself which is not to change my habits but in doing so DO NOT EXPECT ANYTHING FROM OTHERS as it may only lead to my disappointment. It does suck though to have that mindset yet being someone who would be the first to help out and or do what I can to within my power to help the situation.

Which leads to my next topic of feeling used. This is the reason why some may feel I should be more selective with the aid in which I provide for certain individuals. As others feel that some people arr undeserving of my attention as well as help; meaning that if ever a time in which tables would turn they would be nowhere to be found. With that goes to how I should not expect anything from others. It is quite interesting how certain people go to me only when they need something ranging from financial funds all the way through to someone they can find comfort in. Yet on a daily basis their consistency of being available decreases drastically until they have a certain need to be fulfilled yet again and for some I may be the first option and as my weakness once again shows. I will be there and some may take advantage of this which is the reason why it is my weakness. In the long run this will become a bad habit of being easily stepped on but hopefully my good deeds will be rewarded. For now though people who need me an leave me I will still help but they will slowly just become a distant memory of someone who I was JUST ACQUAINTED to.

Next I would like to talk about something in which I felt I would never discuss. As time has gone I have experienced a lot. I have done many things that involves being 21 when I was 15-16 years old. With that I have learned a lot as well as seen a lot. As I thought might happen did happen. With doing so much when I was younger doing them now does not really intrigue me not one bit. Some say I just grew up to fast. With that I feel bad that I do not share the same enthusiasm to go clubs and such. What irritates me though is when people try to force it upon myself and or others to go to something we don't want to. To go along with the using of people these people who force others to go are ever so ignorant, inconsiderate, and SELFISH. The only reason they want others to go is so they could get a free ride and get messed up and or to bum off drinks from the others in which they bring. The difference in what I do is I take responsibility of others as well as I do what others want to do. Another thing about these late night outings and how I feel more mature is, I do not have to drink, I do not have to smoke to have fun. If its there its there if its not I won't complain about it not being there. I could do without the substances. I've learned to appreciate the time with the people I care about rather what I do with those people. A show which I watch showed me a more deeper meaning with people wanting to go get wasted and such. The people who have this urge or a need to go out and club and such only show one thing; which is they find no satisfaction in the life they have, a sense of being incomplete and have to look at intoxication as their temporary escape. I have noticed with the lack of the "night life" I am actually feeling like a happier person and maybe because I do not need in my lifestyle. Every once in awhile would be okay but I would never want to be in a state where I need to go out to get messed up and where it is necessary for me to go out to be a happy.

Finally at least for now the last thing I want to talk about which got me upset is my relationship choices. Talking about it with people in my previous years my choice in girls were pretty up there and then I became more open to other girls. For some reason being less picky actually made some people think "wow really?" "I would not think her" and in a way make me actually look hmm desperate. I actually think it's pretty funny but it does feel good to hear so many times "I could do better" "I could do better" "oh not her she doesn't deserve it". Some good phrases to hear once and awhile. What does this have to do with my anger well, I have made it clear to myself in a short way that if I want a girl who looks good I have to make myself look good as well its only fair right. So looking back on these girls that I have taken care of and looked after yet they do not see me as potential boyfriend material pretty much irks me. It makes it seem like they are better than me or who they talk to is better than me and in reality they aren't even close to my level pretty much out of my league. So it is pretty discouraging being rejected by girls that look for guys that will never measure up to me. So my goal is to focus and work on myself and find a girl who is actually worthy. The reason I was pretty upset with this topic is because I felt I may have been regressing to past (failed attempt at a relationship) rejections in which I should know by now that if they did not see all I have given to them or the sacrifices I made for them they OBVIOUSLY do not deserve any of me. I lost my way for a bit considering another attempt at failure but remembered that I do not and or ever need to go back to that because with my commitment I OBVIOUSLY deserve someone better.

So yeah actually ended on a somewhat of light note as well as my inspiration to become better and yeah this actually made me feel better after dealing with such self- absorbed and inconsiderate people. Hopefully I truly hope I do not have to talk about any of these topics again.